When I was in kindergarten, my teacher, Miss Betty, would hand out paper stars at the end of each week. There were three types. The yellow ones were given to the poorly behaved kids – you didn’t want one of those. The white ones were for the well-behaved children, the ones who did as they were told. And then there was a third star, the red one, given only to the best-behaved child.

I often received the red one, and everyone knew I had the most red stars because Miss Betty would put a star on my forehead. It made me feel good – more than good, it made me feel special.

Like most people, I learned early on that having and achieving were praised by others. This marked the beginning of a long-term pursuit of perfectionism and external validation.

Perfectionism

When you’re constantly focused on the forehead star, it’s never enough. You become addicted to it. It’s no wonder that, over time, my desire for “excellence” evolved into an obsession with perfect grades, a perfect body, and a perfect social life.

Perfect… what does that even mean?

This perfectionism almost destroyed me, but somehow I found the courage to ask for help. So, in 2020, when we were all bored, irritable, and hypersensitive, I decided to see a therapist.

During my first session with Erika, I spent nearly 30 minutes laying out my case: I was fully aware of my “issues” and “traumas.” I listed every self-help book I had read, every podcast I’d absorbed, and every strategy I’d devised to manage my emotions. As always, I was working hard and with the directness that distinguishes me, I said to Erika, “I know the theory, but I haven’t been able to fully apply it.”

I confessed my obsession with perfectionism and my desire to let go of it because I would never be perfect. Her view was different, and the session turned into a debate over what “perfect” meant. She kept saying that I was indeed perfect: “We are all perfect, but we are also perfectible.” I was annoyed by her relentless optimism, so the discussion went on. Eventually, she shrugged and said, “I guess we’re having etymological differences. But it’s okay. Let’s assume you’re not perfect. Can you accept yourself like that?”

It took me years to finally understand what she meant. Perfect isn’t flawless, it’s authentic. Perfectible, on the other hand, is the endless possibility to grow and improve ourselves.

External Validation

Miss Betty never let go of me; she followed me in the form of high school and college teachers, bosses, friends, and boyfriends. The forehead star evolved into special mentions, complements, promotions, admiration —and the list goes on.

Since our first sessions, Erika told me I was the “Me Expert.” “Nobody knows you better than yourself. Your opinion and feedback are the most important ones.” That hit me like a wave. But once again, knowing the theory isn’t the same as putting it into practice—I was yet to have another lesson on the subject.

Several years later, one of my best friends called. We hadn’t spoken in a while, and a much-needed catch-up was waiting for us.

– How’s work? She asked

– It’s… okay. I don’t exactly feel valued, and I haven’t been able to “win over” my boss. I recently worked on a very important presentation. Many people congratulated me, but not her. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I expected some praise for my work.

Her wisdom caught me off guard.

– If it helps, I’ve learned that people expect you to do things well. Even when you go the extra mile, there’s often no applause. But the moment you make a mistake, they’ll be upset and quick to call you out. You must be the one to put the star on your forehead because others might not.

That hit me like a second wave. The idea of stacking the stickers in my hand was new and powerful. I thought to myself, “All this time, I’ve been in charge and didn’t even realize it.” A rush of energy went through me, and I could feel myself vibrating at a higher frequency.